I have a natural disposition for clinical depression. I think it has something to do with my ADD. I get bored. I’m creatively understimulated. There’s all these things that I want to do, yet for whatever reason, I’m unable to. Whether it’s lack of money, health issues, lack of connections, where I reside, or simply just being overwhelmed… I don’t get to do those things. I am most fulfilled by helping others, especially children. Yet, for the reasons stated above, I’m just living day to day, doing nothing that brings me meaning. Yes, I feel compelled to help those in the MAP community, and it is somewhat fulfilling. But it’s not enough. Day in and day out, nothing changes, and everything has become stale. I’ve become complacent. I’m miserable.
I often dream of just running away to do some kind of missionary work in some other part of the world. Some place that’s completely different than where I’m at. Some place that takes me out of my comfort zone. But lack of money and poor health have kept me from pursuing this. Five years ago, I made up my mind that once my mother passes, I’ve fulfilled my obligation and I’m free to check out as well. That’s been the plan ever since. Is this really how it’s gotta end? So much wasted creativity and potential… yet I don’t know how to harness it.
What can I do? That’s not rhetorical. I’d really like to know.
