A blog by Katie Cruz
I’m always thinking about Lucy. Even three years after last seeing her. Yesterday, I imagined what if I seen her out at a store? What would she say? What would she do? Did her parents feed her society’s narrative that I’m a monster, and change her opinion of me? Would she avoid me. Would she
It’s not fair. I saw new pics of her today. She’s growing up. Without me. She’s got boobs now. Looks like her mom. So fuckin beautiful. And I just don’t understand why I can’t be in their lives. Why I can’t be in her life? It’s not fair. I’m so lost.
“It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s
The last time we were together, Lucy karaoked “Jester” by Badflower. I just watched the music video to that song, and between the lyrics and the plot of the video, and me associating that song with Lucy, it’s so heart-wrenching.
This is what was playing out in my head last night: I’m spending the day at Lucy’s house, with her and her parents. An alert sounds on all of our phones, that a ballistic missile is inbound. I hold Lucy. I’m sure she already knew the answer, but she asks if we’re going to die.
I love you so much. I long for you every day and night. You’re my soulmate. My best friend. My lover girl. My queen.
I love you so much. I’ve missed you these last few years. You’re my best friend. I feel safe with you. When we hold each other, I feel like I’m in heaven. And I’d give anything to be there again. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. You mean the world to me.
Every night, I find myself lying awake, longing for Lucy. I can’t shut my brain off. I watch TV, I listen to music, I read… but I can’t fall asleep, and I lay there missing her. Why do I have to carry this burden?
You know, I love her so much, I’d be willing to wait until she’s 18 just for a chance of a relationship. I’m actually turned on imagining her at legal age, the two of us going out at two in the morning in our pajamas to get snacks at the gas station. Laughing and joking,
I wish I could know whether we’ll end up together in the end, or if she’ll move on without me. Without this closure, I’m stuck in limbo, unable to move on, myself. The odds aren’t in my favor. They never are. I hate this.
