A while back, I had someone reach out to me with feelings they didn’t understand. We had a long conversation over the course of a month. Here are some excerpts of my half of the conversation.
*This person opened up about their feelings.*
Many of us as MAPs have gone through these same emotions, where we realize we have these feelings, and feel shame because the feelings we have don’t line up with what society says about us. Society says we’re monsters. But how can a feeling make one a monster? We can’t choose our feelings. But what we can choose is how we process these feelings. And there are healthy ways to process these feelings that bring no harm to others.
When did you begin to have these feelings as a MAP? Were there events that shaped that? I believe there are things in my past that shaped me…I don’t think I was “born” this way.
When I started hitting puberty and feeling strong attractions, I was attracted to my peers, and sometimes younger children. When I got older, my attraction didn’t grow with me. I didn’t really notice this, and it wasn’t much of a problem until I started getting closer to 18, and I realized my feelings didn’t correlate with social norms.
In hindsight, I’ve always had these feelings. I’m a caretaker by nature. I was the one who would take care of younger children. Taking care of others fulfilled something in me. To me, the most romantic thing is providing for the well-being of others. Who needs care and nurture more than anyone? Children. And I just happened to be attracted to females. So I found I am most romantically fulfilled when I am caring for girl children.
I don’t know whether I was born this way, or if it was from the environment I grew up in, or maybe a combination of both. I was an only child from an abusive home. I feel like a lot of my emotional needs were neglected, not purposely, but because my caretakers didn’t know better. Perhaps my need to care for others, is a way to vicariously get the care for myself that I so longed for.
*This person explained their feelings and some of their struggles.*
One of the things I was taught is that our biggest strengths come out of our greatest challenges. We both have a need to take care of others. How can we translate that need into something positive? You love [REDACTED]. Show her that love. Spend time with her, nurture her, give her your time, do nice things for her, give her hugs and cuddles. Just because those things fulfill a romantic need in you, doesn’t mean they are harmful to her.
You’ve demonstrated that you’re self-aware and have a conscience. It sounds like you have made up your mind that you won’t repeat the cycle of abuse that you went through. Set mental boundaries if you have to. But trust yourself. Society might portray us as ticking time bombs, waiting to offend. But that’s rarely the case with MAPs.
*The person talks about unrequitted love and not being able to express those feelings with her.*
I certainly understand unrequited love, and not being able to tell them how you truly feel. One of the things I regret in my relationship is not being able to tell Lucy how I feel. But I’d like to believe that deep down, she knew it anyway. I have these same feelings for Lucy as you describe for [REDACTED]. I dreamed of a future where she would grow up, we’d get married, and live happily ever after. And while I knew that was unlikely to happen, and I couldn’t tell her my feelings, I treated her as if that was going to be the outcome. I spent time with her. We laughed and joked. We held each other. We gave each other kisses. She knew she could come to me for love and support. Those are all things I would do with a partner. I lived in the moment. I enjoyed our time together while I could, and now I mourn that that time is no more.
A wise girl lover once told me, that for most of us, we won’t get to commit ourselves to one girl. If we’re fortunate, there will be many girls in our lives, who we can leave a positive impact on. Make the most of the time we have, so when they grow up, they will look back, holding a special place in their heart for us. It’s very bittersweet. But those moments of time spent together, and the solace that I am helping them grow, are what make me happy.
*This person asks about my relationship with Lucy, and if my feelings have changed over the years.*
Lucy is my best friends’ daughter. I was there the day she was born, and was in a significant portion of her life. We bonded. She was my bestie. I don’t think that love or relationship necessarily has to be defined or labeled. She fulfilled the role of a girlfriend for me. I fulfilled the role of a friend, and caretaker. I know she loved me. That’s all that matters.
I last saw her 5 years ago. That love for her will always be there. Love like that doesn’t go away.
Before Lucy, there was another girl I had feelings for. I met her when she was 12, and we had a mutual crush. When she turned 17, her family gave me their blessing to date her. But by then, she was a much different person. We had very different world views. I had to mute her on Facebook, because some of the stuff she said negatively affected my mental health. I know a relationship with her wouldn’t work out. But I still hold a place in my heart for her. I look back and cherish the brief time we shared. That love will never truly go away. But mourning it gets easier over time.
Did your best friend know of your love for Lucy? If so, how did she react?
They knew I was a MAP since high school. There was a moment of contention with Lucy’s mom shortly after she was born. She accused me of being a child molester, just because I kissed her forehead at the hospital. I explained that just because I show love and affection doesn’t mean I have bad intentions. I also wasn’t attracted to babies. I promised her that I wouldn’t fall in love with her kids. But that was a promise I couldn’t keep, as no one can choose who they fall in love with. As Lucy grew, I treated her with maternal love and affection. If an outsider had seen us, they would just think I was Super Aunt. My love for her was expressed no differently than how one would expect a mother should treat a child. But it fulfilled a romantic need in me. For me, romantic love is deeply intertwined with maternal love. I think deep down, her parents knew I was in love with her, but they did their best to give me the benefit of the doubt. Over the years, I would sometimes receive dirty looks and passive-aggressive behavior from them. And eventually, I guess it became too much. I became too obvious. And when that happened, they pushed me away.
It hurt. I lost my best friends. I lost the girl I love. Society has created so much stigma and fear toward minor-attracted people, and they did what they feel is best for their daughter. I understand. But it hurts so much. I’ve been mourning that loss for the last 5 years.
Is there a sexual component to your love? How do you reconcile that with everything else.
I grew up in a very sex-negative home. Sex was always portrayed as something that was bad as I was growing up. That upbringing has stuck with me all these years. I do sometimes have sexual feelings for her. And I always hated it. I wanted to suppress those feelings. I didn’t want those feelings to desecrate this pure, innocent image I have of her. I still struggle with guilt of those feelings, even though that’s all they are. Feelings alone don’t hurt anyone. It’s how those feelings are expressed that has the potential to cause harm. Most of my fantasies involved spending time with her in the mundane. Cuddling, hanging out, talking, laying out under the stars, or going to the beach. But occasionally I imagined doing things to please her, or stuff that is mutually pleasurable.
She had a crush on me. One time when she was 6, I was over there, and she had been in her room, and she came out wrapped in a blanket, with nothing on underneath. She kept walking by picking up stuffed animals to take back to her room. Every time she walked by, she stared right into my eyes and grinned. Like she was saying, “I know that you know I’m naked under this, and you like it.” One time, she walked by, still looking in my eyes and grinning, and innocently said, “What?” And I’m just thinking “Bullshit! You know exactly what you’re doing, you little flirt.” On one of her trips, while grabbing her stuffed animals, the blanket drops, and she’s standing there naked in front of me. Oh my gosh, she was so beautiful. The most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And I just wanted to tell her how attracted to her I was. But her mother was sitting there next to me, so I had to be poker face, and not show any emotion. Her mother yelled at her to get her clothes on. Gosh, that moment got me all hot and bothered. Even though I couldn’t reciprocate that expression, it’s still a moment with her that I cherish. That little expression of her love and sexuality, and she shared that with me. It was just so beautiful.
Have you seen Lucy lately or had a chance to interact with her? Now that she is much older how do you “see” her. Is she still attractive? Do you still love her? Or is she now different…because she is older.
I haven’t talked with or seen Lucy in person since she was 9. A few years later, I did see some updated pictures of her. It made me cry. She’s so beautiful, and looks just like her mom. Even as she grows up out of my AoA (age of attraction), I’ll still find her beautiful. Because there was an initial attraction at a young age, I’ll always have those feelings for her. I compare it to my grandparents. My grandpa was probably attracted to the younger women he saw in public or on TV. But he didn’t dump my grandma, and trade her in for a younger model even though they grew old and grey. He continued to love her until the day he passed.
I’ve had feelings for many little girls over the years. Even though they’ve all grown up, I still hold a place in my heart for them. Before Lucy, I was in love with a girl, J, who I met when she was 12. She grew up, and I still found her attractive well past my AoA. Her family even gave me their blessing to date her when she was 17. But she was a much different person by then. We wouldn’t have been compatible as we had different world views. But I still love her and hold a place in my heart for her, and always will.
I presume it is common for MAPs to have mental health issues? I’ve struggled for a lifetime of anxiety, depression and PTSD. Have you faced similar issues and do you have any tips?
do suffer from depression and PTSD, and occasionally have anxiety. The biggest factor of my depression is loneliness and grief – not being able to have a fulfilling relationship. I was also physically abused growing up, and was sexually assaulted later as an adult. I’ve found many ways to cope with it over the years, both healthy and unhealthy.
I used a lot of substances to mask the pain from the loneliness and the PTSD. It fixed the issues for a short time, but the issues were there waiting for me when I was sober. And most of the time, the substance use made me even more miserable.
Over the years, I’ve had therapy, on and off. Sometimes finding it helpful, other times not so much. If you find a therapist you connect with, and feel good after each session… hang on to them. They’re really hard to find. We have a crappy healthcare system in the US, so if our insurance changes, specific therapists may no longer be covered.
I’ve found it helpful to be a part of a community of others who are going through similar circumstances as you. You’ve already made a step in this direction by reaching out to me. But I’m only one of many who have this life experience. Many of us are part of communities like Visions of Alice, or Girls Are The Best, both forums dedicated to peer support and fellowship of girl lovers, such as us.
Another thing I’ve found helpful for me, is to write down my feelings. Keep a journal, either privately, or even a public blog. Writing my feelings has let me express them, organize them, and think critically about them. I chose to make mine public, hence A MAP In Love, which in turn has helped others. And there’s something fulfilling about helping others with their feelings. It’s kind of a way to pay it forward.
How do you deal with discussing your thoughts and feelings to your close friends? How many did you lose as friends, and is it ever worth taking that risk?
I made the mistake of coming out to everyone early on. I lost a lot of friends, but my closest friends stayed with me. I could never really talk to them about my feelings, as they were kinda weirded out by them. The closest I got was when I wrote a sexual fantasy of me and a 12-year-old, and I let one of my female friends read it. She said she liked it. But that was it. Generally, I reserve talking about my feelings to other MAPs, as they’re the ones who get it. If you come out to others, you want to pick and choose who you come out to, and be confident that they are someone who would understand. I’ve written a few pieces about coming out on my blog.